


Who The Fuck Is Rolal?

by AnabielVriskaMars



Category: Homestuck
Genre: College AU, F/M, Freeform, non-sburb AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-05
Updated: 2015-09-18
Packaged: 2018-02-07 12:48:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,471
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1899603
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnabielVriskaMars/pseuds/AnabielVriskaMars
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"I told you to fucking lock your computer you dickshit."</p><p>"I did, you dweeb! It was like fort freaking knox!"</p><p>"No it wasn't," you say. You probably shouldn't interfere though, he looks pretty angry. The other guy just looks like he's about had it.</p><p>The desktop of the computer you just hacked keeps the incredibly bright ROLAL sign you posted.</p><p>You should probably stop signing your work.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Busted

**Author's Note:**

  * For [not-a-neurosurgeon](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=not-a-neurosurgeon), [Jagati](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=Jagati).



> prompt by not-a-neurosurgeon
> 
> this story goes to them and to my dearest Jag :D
> 
>  
> 
> DISCLAIMER: I don't know shit about hacking.

You're not entirely sure where your amazing hacker powers came from.

Like, you know these are like a freaking hurricane and with great power comes great responsibility, Peter Parker. You're the Wonder Woman of computers. You are  the  _wizard_ of hacking. 

You are the amazing, beautiful, clever and--

_very single_

_\--_ Rolal.

Nobody has been even close to catching up with you ever since you were 13 because you have the powers of awesomazigness bestowed upon yourself by the magical cat gods that watch you from a heaven where the clouds are made of vodka.

And nobody in this Uni is  _remotely_ representing a challenge, so why bother?

At the moment you're busting into the computer of some guy in a sociology class and copying all his class documents to your own computer.

You will then proceed to sell these babies to the highest bidder.

 _Point for Lalonde_.

Keeping up with roughly 30 stray cats won't pay for itself, you know?

Nobody's really ever up to finding you, either. You recycle the  _old_ papers this boy has.

Like, last semestre's.

Its totally legal.

Totally.

...

You are a terrible liar, but it doesn't weigh much on your conscience.

* * *

 

The sun's coming in through your open window and you'd like nothing better than to smash that stupid orb into tiny little pieces.

 _God_ your head hurts.

The empty bottles of vodka lay next to the crime scene.

The crime scene is your desk.

The crime is your unaccompanied and unnecessary drinking.

If Dirk were here, he'd have such a fit.

_Damn it, Roxy, why do you keep doing this yadda yadda i'm a huge dork bla bla bla i wear pointy shades because I'm kewl_

Dirk is a dork and that's why his name is so close to it.

Ha ha.

Ouch.

Note to self: don't laugh into your hangovers.

You're cleaning up the empty bottles on the floor and guilt washes over you.

You know that Dirk is right. You  _do_ drink a lot. He may be a dork but he is the person you love the most in this world. Like, if a huge beast came from the bottom of the sea and just came up to you and grabbed Dirk and said " _Roxy, I will only let this dork go if you give up your superspecialamazingchocolatefudgecovered powers for awesome hackings_ " you'd say  _take them, you anorexic Edelritch Terror! Let my friend go!_ And you would give it all up cause that's how much you love Dirk.

You can't help but feel the sting of the time when you were sixteen and you had a crush on him and you tried to kiss him and he told you he liked Jake.

Remember that, Rox?

Yea, you do.

But its all in the past. Dirk is your favorite person. Well, him and Jane. And Jake.

Okay so you really love your friends a lot.

You look at a picture of the four of you in a field trip you guys took some time ago, and its kind of messed up when you think about it, that you liked Dirk, but he's gay as a duck and wants to get it on with Jake, and so does Jane, but Jake is just kind f a dork and can't tell about either one of them.

But there's nothing to do about that. 

They're still your family. 

There is a knock on the door.

A really  _loud_ knock.

It just bounces inside your head and you feel it shake up your brain.

"I'm coming," you call, but it was a terrible idea and now its like there's a drill inside your head. You open the door to see two boys you've never met before staring you down. One looks like a jerk and wears 3-D glasses like its some kind of fashion statement which you frankly don't understand, and the other one is the dorkiesst looking boy you've ever seen: complete with eyeglasses, messy hair and a Ghostbusters shirt. You smile you're winning Lalonde smile. The dork seems taken aback. "Can I help you?"

The one with the 3-D glasses just barges in, and the dork walks in behind him, looking embarrassed.

"Sol, I do not think this is the right place."

"Can it, Egbert" 3-D boy says. "I know what I'm zaying." He's got a lisp, but you don't really bother with that, cause,

_Egbert_

Oh shit

...

That's the boy who's computer you've been leeching for the past semestre and a half.

Oops.

The one Egbert called Sol looks at you and you can't help but think that he's a dork but in  _all the wrong ways_. "Are you Rolal?"

You play this carefully.

"Roxy Lalonde. What can I do you for?" And you can't help it. You wink at Egbert. He blushes and looks away.

"Keep it in your pantz Egdouche." 3-D jerk says. You're pretty sure you don't like this guy. "She'z the one we're looking for."

"What?" Egbert asks, and he kind of looks at you, amazed.

Well you should be, babe, I'm the  _queen_ of amazeballs.

...That sounded wrong.

"No, this cannot be her, she is just..." He starts, but stops himself. You're pretty sure where this was going and if you're right you will blow a fuse.

"A girl?" 3-Douche asks. He took the words from your mouth. You're about to give Egbert a piece of your mind but he finishes the thought.

"She is just too pretty." And you know this should be offensive, but the poor boy really  _is_ in awe of your  _marvelous_ Lalonde charm. "I mean Jesus Christ, what would a girl  _this_ pretty want with  _my_ computer?"

"Lizten azzhole, I don't care if she waz looking through your porn. You wanted to know who got into your computer, here she iz. Now pay up."

Egbert turns to you and he  _really_ doesn't look like he wants to believe it, but he asks you very kindly if you got into his computer and did  _that_.

"What the hell's " _that"_?" You ask. They look at each other and Egbert sighs and opens the laptop he brought.

In the black background, in huge hot pink letters, running across the desktop you see the word ROLAL.

Ah.

Oops.

"That sounds like me," you mutter to yourself. You hold the bottles of vodka up apologetically, as if it should make them understand that it was a beverage-induced mistake. You look at Egbert and activate the Lalonde charm. "I'm really sorry."

"A drunk chick can break into your computer. You're a pieze of shit, John." 3-Dick says. "I told you to fucking block your computer, but you didn't, zo this one's on you."

"I totally did!" John cries and it kind of drills into your head. "It was like fort knox in there!"

"No it wasn't." You say, and yea, you should probably keep quiet, but right now you can't handle any more screaming. "Actually it was pretty easy to get in."

John just kind of frowns and you decide to take the chance because you're Roxy Lalonde and your weakness are cute dorks.

"If you want, I can install a better security system on your computer..." you offer, and he just kind of looks at you like he can't believe what you just said. You shrug like its no big deal.

"Uh, yea," he says, and its kind of cute because he's stuttering. "Yeah, that would be great, uh, Roxy," and he kind of blushes when he says your name. 

You smile, but your head is really pounding, so you wince. He notices.

"Would you, uh, do you want to get some coffee before? My treat, since you will be helping me."

You freeze.

Is this a date?

It sounds like a date.

Is Roxy Lalonde being asked out?

"I'd love to." You say and you see him release nervous energy. 3-Dangnabbit looks done with this shit.

"I came here to watch Egbert get hiz azz beat in and I end up zeeing him getting a date. Thiz day fucking zuckz." You're about to invite him to join you (which you really don't want) but he kind of just flips John off and walks away. You turn to look at John, but he seems not to have noticed and just fidgets a little, nervous.

"So, John," you begin, giving him the smiting Lalonde smile, "what do you think about wizards?"

 

 


	2. That Guy? Really?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WHAT IS THIS
> 
> IT IS A MULTICHAPTER
> 
> i'm a dumbass

Ok so John is a total dork.

He likes bad movies - _especially ones with Nic Cage_ \- he's  _obsessed_ with pranks, he  _thinks_ he's a good hacker but you put him to dry out in the sun 'cause hell  _yes_  amazing haxxor grrl here, hello.

He wears these dumb glasses and his teeth kind of stick out a tiny little bit and he smiles with  _all_ of them. He talks a lot and repeats himself. He says 'uhmmm' a lot, and half the time it seems as if he's not even sure about what he's saying.

To make the long story short, he's the most adorable dork to ever trip into your life and you really really like him.

Which is why you need to  _un-Lalonde_ yourself to avoid scaring the poor thing off.

You know you're adorbs as they come. That much is obvious.

The problem is that...

Well, you hate to put it like this, but you must be honest with yourself.

Roxy Lalonde is a natural disaster in the making.

Its an ugly thought, you know, you  _do_ , but you can't help but seeing the dissapointment in Dirk's eyes every time he sees you with a drink in hand, which only makes you crave another drink to kind of drown that guilt, maybe? Or any time Janey comes around and she just... she just seems like she deserves a better best friend, okay?

And Callie...

You miss Callie more than anything in this world. Her dumbfuck brother got himself expelled from the uni and her parents said that she'd have to go wherever he went to keep an eye on him, so obviously the only place where they'd accept such a douchenozzle is in the  _ends_ of the world.

So lately you've been feeling really lonely, and John... Well, John kind of fell from the sky for you.

"--so anyway he showed me this magic trick--" John's ranting. You perk up.

"Magic?" you ask. Oh god, Roxy, get your shit together...

... maybe later; you  _really_ love magic.

"Uhm, yeah," he seems unsure, like he's scared he's gonna bore you, so you throw the amazing, contest-winning Lalonde smile and he blushes under his glasses and they fog up a bit from the heat and its so  _cute_. "Do you wanna see one?"

You know you're supposed to play cool, but to hell with it. You nod eagerly. 

He pulls out a deck of cards and begins placing them in order. He stops and restarts a couple of times and you can tell he's getting more and more nervous. You try to look encouraging, but you really have no idea how. At one point, his hand slips and the cards just fly all over the table, falling on the floor. People from other tables turn to look at the both of you and John looks too embarrassed for words.

And you laugh.

You laugh and you clap.

This is so dumb but its so adorable, and you really like him and its really,  _really_ making you genuinely happy to be here and to hang out with him. Your laughter is genuine and you don't remember the last time you felt this little bubble in your chest, like its a slim glass full of champagne that is bubbling to the top and tickling in your chest. John begins smiling too.

"God, Egbert, you're a disgrace to male-kind, you know that?" The voice comes from your right. You didn't see the guy approach because you were busy noticing that John's got these  _adorable_ little dimples. You turn to examine the new guy.

You have one word: ugh.

He's wearing striped slacks, a black, very heavily branded shirt from some or another expensive store, which is clearly displayed over his breastpocket if only to tell the world that he's got money. He wears a loose scarf, which makes no sense whatsoever, because the sun is out and full blown and you don't think you've felt a hotter day in spring. He's wearing these  _huge-_ rimmed glasses and --oh god, is that a  _cape_?

If you had to spell  _douchebag_ , you'd probably just have this guy dance it interpretatively. 

"And who is this lovely lady that seems to have found herself lost into your table, idiot?" He's asking John but he's looking at you.

You'd think that your glare had enough distaste to scare this guy away, but apparently he doesn't get the hint.

"Let us be, Eridan." John says, and he's clearly irritated. You see him steal a glance at you, and seems satisfied at your 'I'm-not-impressed-get-out-of-my-face' glare.

"Now, now, John, if you wanted to show the lady a magic trick, you should've done -- _this!_ " And you're not sure how, but he seems to have pulled out several quarters from different points in your head. You're impressed despite yourself, but you make sure it doesn't slip through your face.

This guy is getting the full Roxy  _pout_.

You stare at this ERidan guy, and he's just ranting and going on about a boat, you think he mentioned? It really doesn't matter, because you're just  _that_ not interested in him and his money and his boat and you grow sick of it, so you cut him short. _  
_

"Hi." You say, and you smile sweetly for a moment, and you see the smug trying to crawl into his face like an ugly disgusting worm. "I'm Roxy," you say, as politely as if he were not annoying every last cell of your body. "Could you do me a huge favor?" You ask, and you flash the pearly whites.

He looks at John with a sort of triumphant disdain. "Of course, m'lady, what can I do for you?"

You smile sweetly, and in a gentle tone of voice, you say: "I'm kind of in the middle of a date, so if you wouldn't mind getting lost so I can finish my delicious latte and maybe getting my smooches on? Kay thanks bye." And you turn back to John and you exaggeratedly flip your hair because Roxy Lalonde is _all about style_.

He grumbles something but you don't bother paying attention to him. Instead, you kind of chug your latte even though its hot as fuck because you just made a dramatic exit and can't really pull back now.  When you put your cup down Eridouche is gone and John is smiling like a dork and you want to grab his cheeks.

"Who waz dat dick?" You ask, your tongue hanging a bit out of your mouth because it really burned you.

"Eridan Ampora. He's just unnecessarily douchey and thinks he's just about the last standing male in the history of planet earth." John grumbles into his coffee. He furrows his brow a bit, and you see a blush creeping into his face, but it stops when a little light of mischief flickers in his eye. "We  _could_ do something..." he says kind of to himself but you know he meant it for you. You smile slyly.

"Yes?" You ask eagerly, and kind of lean over the table, conspirationally.

"Roxy," and it kind of jumbles your stomach the way he says your name, "have I yet mentioned that I am the  _king_ of pranks?"

_Oh no_

You see it now.

You can  _see it_.

You  _see_ the same look of Janey's when she's up to something.

But there's a quickening of excitement with the jumble of chords in your belly, cause this time you're not on the receiving end of the prankmaster.

You smile fully, excited.

"What do you have in mind?"


	3. Slow Down, Kids, This Ain't a Race

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> guess who's back?
> 
> it is me and i have a cold
> 
>  
> 
> greetings fellows

Doc Scratch does not look pleased.

Well, you know, he never  _looks_ anything, really. He's always got this kind of blatant blank expression and you can't really figure out what he's thinking.

Like yeah, you're probably in trouble. Why else would you be in the Dean's office?

Some douche  _probably_ accused you of your copious drinking habits. Which is totally not Raven, if they ask you. You really don't understand the necessity to enforce something so silly as the "Law" when they've got such a gifted girl in their midst. Its totally beyond you.

The door opens and your confidence is more than a little shaken when you see John walk in and he looks kind of pale and you think he probably doesn't get called into the Dean's office way too often. Certainly less than your charming self, at least.

John sits down next to you and he's just looking forward like he doesn't know what to expect or where to look or even how to feel, but most importantly he looks totally  _guilty_.

Ah yes, you can see where this is going.

"Miss Lalonde," Scratch says. Oh god, he's so  _stale_. "Mr. Egbert."

"Mr. SCratch." You say nonchalantly and you kinda hope John thinks you're cool like this, but damn it Rox, this isn't the time to be thinking about that! John's not really paying attention though, he's still looking at his hands clasped on his lap and you kind of want to slap some sense into him but you won't, cause you're just that sweet.

"I imagine you know why I've summoned you." Scratch says. He's given up on correcting your misuse of his title. Point for Lalonde. 

"You know the drill, sir, I will admit to absolutely no charges unless explicitly explained."

Oh wow you are a silver tongued fox. Check out this Lalonde action over here being all clever and diplomatic all up in this bitch.

John looks as petrified as he did a few seconds ago and you vaguely wonder if you might be in more trouble than you'd originally thought. You straighten up a bit and decide to tone down a notch the wit.

"Miss Lalonde, we have a student here with a complaint." He stops, you guess to gauge your guilt, which he really doesn't need to, cause John's face is kind of writing GUILT upon the walls with red paint of questionable sources. "He says you have... violated his privacy."

You freeze. You can feel your lips part a little.

Could John--?

No, he wouldn't.

He totally  _wouldn't_.

Would he?

You feel wounded like someone slashed across your chest and cold water is pouring out and all your brain can say is  _not John_.

"It was my idea, sir." John speaks for the first time and his voice cuts through the icy water that you feel is coming out of your sides. Its like it patches you up like the gash was never there and you realize that John didn't accuse you of anything and the fact that you thought he did says a lot more about you than it does about him. "I have personal problems with Ampora and I asked Roxy for her help. Its entirely my fault, sir."

Wow.

Nobody has ever offered to take the fall like this for you.

You look at John significantly and it strikes you that this is probably the nicest boy that has ever happened to glance in your direction and you really don't want to mess it up because JOnh is a dork and that's pretty cool, but..

Okay no, he's mostly a dork, but you  _really_ like him, okay?

"No sir, I was entirely aware of my actions. I meant no harm by it."

"It is of no concern." Scratch says, and now you realize that his bland expression is really just that.

He really,  _really_ doesn't care.

"You have to understand that the son of a wealthy donor to the University is complaining. I would normally tell the boy to, how do you children say, grow up. However, the board would not particularly enjoy this answer, so we will take measures so that the child stops breathing down my neck and we can all go on with out lives. Miss Lalonde, you're obviously a brilliant student, and Mr Egbert you have been nothing if not an example of discipline and respect, so I'm going to let it go this time and tell the kid that you have been sanctioned. In any case, the issue has been dealt with."

And then he just kind of... dismisses you. 

And you both just leave Scratch's office like nothing happened.

"Wow, we got off easy." John says. You half turn your head in his direction and you release a tiny smile.

"That was pretty sweet of you." You say, and you can see him blush and its adorable. "I don't think anyone has ever tried to take the fall for me on anything... It was pretty great of you, you know."

And his blush kind of creeps up more on him. "It was nothing. It was just the truth. Eridan is kind of a douche and he deserves whatever we did to him... wait, what  _did_ we do to him?"

This time you turn fully to watch him and you smile slyly. He looks entranced and you decide this look really suits him, so how about you let him in on the plan?

"I might have hacked into his computer and moved around a few files and... rewritten some essays..."

He looks impressed and now its your turn to blush.

"I might have also stolen a few pictures from his drive, but he probably doesn't know that."  You're grinning. "Do you have any idea of the amount of selfies that boy takes?"

And this time he doesn't smile.

He looks at you with reverence. His eyes are shining a little.

"Rox, I could kiss you." He says.

You decide this is quite alright by you, so you lean forward and you kiss him.

 


	4. Gotcha.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's too little JohnRoxy in the world.
> 
> I must fix that.

This is new.

Your fingers have never been this unsteady. Those weapons of cybernetic mass destruction are for the first time shaking in your complete sobriety. They're  _tangled_  in a mat of black and you don't care how much you're trembling because its so  _good_.

Your lips are no longer solid. They're hot fudge. They're melted and its kind of pouring you out like you're a delicious chocolate fountain and he's a marshmallow --damn, you're hungry now.

John's hands are wrapped around your waist, and you're sitting on his lap and there isn't a couch in the entire world that can be more comfortable that his bony hips kind of digging into your skin. Your legs are resting on either side of him and its so  _hot_. You've removed his glasses and your fingers are so tangled in his hair that you could almost believe that you're trying to reach his brain.

And you're kissing him.

But  _damn,_  are you kissing him.

You feel his hand trace your spine over your shirt gently and feel a shiver that kind of feels like a tickle, and you let out a little nervous laugh. For a split second you wonder if he'll take it the wrong way, but you feel his ragged breath against your face come in little pants and you realize that he's started laughing softly as well, which sort of makes it a  _whole lot_  funnier, so you laugh a little more, and it urges him on, and before you know it, your hot smooching session just dissolved into a fit of laughter.

"S-stop laughing!" You say, but the giggles melt through your words.

"You started it!" he chuckles, and you feel the dissolution of all the heat that was between you just a few seconds ago, and wrap your arms around his neck and rest your forehead against his and close you eyes, but you feel the laughter sort of drain from him and something more serious filters through his skin, and it scares you. You open your eyes to look into his, and he's got this weird look on his face, and for a moment you panic.

You tense a little, and maybe he feels it, because he pulls your waist a little closer to him and he doesn't drop your gaze.

"You are the most beautiful woman I've ever met."

And its like the butterflies that once existed in your stomach somehow evolved into pigeons and they're fluttering inside your ribcage, fanning their wings wildly against your heart. You feel yourself blush. You realize that the look in his eyes is of  _awe._ You feel raw sincerity in what he's saying and you--

You can't handle it.

You pull back a little. The cold air of not being wrapped around John bites into your skin and your brain screams at you to jump back on that boy, but another part of you is just... terrified. 

You see the nervousness flicker in his eyes too, and you smile what you hope is your usual Lalonde smile.

"We should focus. Its hard to bring down Emperor Douchebag if we get sidetracked like that."

You see the disappointment in him.

 _Same_.

He grabs his glasses from a nearby table and places them on the bridge of his nose, and you can see them fog up a bit from the heat that his face still radiates. You try not to feel guilty as you turn back to your laptop.

"We could use this, I think it would most def  _de_ -stroy him." You say, pointing at a particularly pathetic shot of Eridan talking to a picture of that girl Feferi.

John's lips sort of pucker to the side. "Nah, I don't wanna drag her into this. The target's Eridan. I don't want damage splashing over to another person."

You nod. Those were your thoughts as well. 

You keep scrolling down his copied files into your computer, and feel John perk up next to you, all traces of your earlier awkwardness seeming to have melted away.

"What's that?" he asks and points towards a Word document titled  _Ode,_  to which you shrug and click it open. _  
_

And its like Christmas. Complete with eggnog and wine.

You think you hear a choked sob come from John and you turn to look at him, his eyes are gleaming with mischief and you know you have found it.

 _Ammo_.

* * *

 

"EGBERT!" The scream reverberates through the cafeteria. You see a tiny smile flash in John's lips, but he does his best to kill it, even though there's still a trace of amusement in his features. He tries to school his reactions and turns around to find Eridan stomping towards him, several heads turning in your direction. From close-by, you see your cousin watching everything intently, and you just  _know_  she's gonna use this for her weird psychology journals.

Next to her you see her friend Dave-- Dirk's bro-- sitting with his arm around a girl who looks like John but with green eyes --you should probs ask about that. Everyone at that table looks more alert to your situation, but less in a gossiping mood than the rest of the cafeteria, and more defensive. You turn to look at Eridan. _  
_

"Do you want to be _expelled_  from this university? Because  _congratulations!_  That's what you earned with this little stunt of yours!"

John makes the classiest act  _ever_  of looking shocked, appalled,  _and_  confused.

"I'm sorry?" he asks. You effortlessly imitate his attitude.

"Eridan, what are you talking about?" You ask and you widen your  _gorgeous_  eyes at him, batting your eyelashes in a  _disarming_  epic display of innocence.

"Don't play dumb, you two! You posted my poem on the college site!" He's a bit red with rage. People begin murmuring. You make a point not to smile. You have to look  _shocked_.

"Poem?" You ask. His cheeks colour a bit more.

"You stole  _Ode_  from my computer and posted it online!" he screams, and his voice falters a bit, and for the first time you see something behind the rage, but can't quite tell what it is.

John takes the lead. "You wrote  _Ode?"_  he asks dumbly.

Of course, neither you nor John are complete idiots, so you posted the poem anonymously, both for you and for him. But of course, since Einstein here just screamed it at the top of his lungs, now everyone knows who wrote it.

"Don't play dumb! You've humiliated me!" He screams and that's when it hits you. 

His eyes are glistening a bit, like he's trying to avoid tears. 

Your eyes widen for real this time, and all the amusement is sucked out of you and you feel cold all over.

 _This was too far_.

You see it in John too. His shoulders tense a bit, and this time its for real. He feels guilty too, and you know it.

"You and this drunk harlot of yours!" He screams and gestures at you. 

 _Oh,_ now _you've done it._

You make to stand but John is already on his feet, towering a good five inches over Eridan.

"Your problem is with me, don't you  _dare_  talk to her like that." You know John is trying, and you appreciate it, but Roxy Lalonde can take care of herself.

You stand as well.

"Eridan, if you have a problem with me, kindly direct your pie-hole in my direction so I can properly fill it with my fist."

What? Roxy what the hell? You can't fight! You don't even like violence!  _What are you doing!?_

Eridan turns and glares at you as well. "Don't you worry, you'll be out on your ass too as soon as I'm done with the board."

The atmosphere is a bit electrified and you feel a cold stone fall into the pit of your stomach.

_I went too far._

Your mouth is dry and your limbs are loose and you have no idea of what to do of how to respond but you're really  _really_  nervous now and you did fuck it up this time and you kind of wish Dirk was here to bail you out but you immediately chastise yourself at that thought because weren't you complaining about exactly that? Dirk always has to bail you out because you're a moron and you always get into trouble and goddammit Roxy, how the fuck do you even do this.

Okay, you fucked up. Now its time to woman up.

"Eridan, you're making a show." You say. "Lets take this outside."

Eridan is still raging. "You want to fight? 'Cause I  _will_  hit a girl, don't you doubt it!"

Okay, so this significantly diminishes your guilt on the grounds that Eridan's a giant dick, but there was a lot of guilt to go around in the first place anyways, so there was a bit to spare. 

"I  _meant_  let's talk. If you want to get me kicked out that's fine. Stop making a show out of it. If you have something to say to me make it private. This is leaving you much worse than its leaving me." You say with a cold calculation you didn't know was possible. 

Still fuming, Eridan nods and gestures to the courtyard. John makes to stand, but you speak loudly.

"Stay here. This one's on me." You say. John tries to protest but you hold up your hand. "Save it, Egbert. We both know that I'm the only one between us with the actual talent to pull something like this off. Trust me, I've seen your Programming grades."

Fuck.

Fuck fuck  _fuck_.

You hate yourself for saying this. 

You hate yourself so much you kind of want to throw up, but you  _can't_  let John take part in this. He's got a future. Getting thrown out of college just isn't in it. 

You..

You'll fall on your feet. You always do, right?

You've always taken good care of yourself and you've always pulled through... this will just be another one of those times, right?

John's face is scarlet. You've embarrassed him. Its killing you. You never  _ever_  wanted to make him feel like this, but this is the only way. John took the fall for you once, now its time to return the favor. This is  _your_  fault, Roxy. 

Dirk is right. Drinking isn't facing your problems, and damn it, its about high time you begin taking responsibility for your actions. Do what's best.

And right now, what's best is for John to stay out of this.

You can't handle his hurt face anymore, so you turn around and follow Eridan into the courtyard, the pigeons that had been fluttering in your chest shot dead.

_Perfect time to grow up, Roxy._


	5. Time To Clean Up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i just ordered a Jedi Path, Book of Sith and Bounty Hunter Manual
> 
> I AM STAR WARS TRASH AND I LOVE IT

You've never felt like this before.

No wait. Once. You did once.

You were 6 years old and you were with your mother at the beach. You were bathing in the water and she was--you don't know,  _somewhere_ \- probably pouring over one of her books and being a total BAMF and kind of way too into it and not really checking on you.

You remember that you were looking at her work, but she was really far, and you wished she was a little closer, but understood that it would never be the case, so instead you might as well focus on the sand under your tiny feet and the cool water under your kitty-themed water-wings.

But you were so busy focusing on  _not_ thinking about your mom that you forgot to think that at the beach there are waves, don't you know.

Before you knew it you were rolled over and dug face-first in the sand and then rolled over once more and dragging your butt through it as well, getting hte bottom of your bathing suit  _filled_ with nasty sand. You were thrashing and thrashing but your water-wings were pulling you up but you were really scared until something just sort of breaks through the water and scared you even more into opening your mouth and swallowing some water. Whatever that thing was caught your arm and before you knew it you broke into the surface and began coughing and spitting and throwing up all the water that you'd swallowed. You were crying but your tears were just as salty as the drops in your face and everything ached and your throat felt raspy and you were still really really scared.

"Don't open your eyes." A voice said, and you just... did what it said. 

Before you knew it the ocean was receding away from your ankles and you knew you were in the shore.

"Stay still." The same voice said, and you felt suddenly something really cold fall in your face. You yelped and sprung your eyes open.

They  _burned._

"I told you to keep them shut!" The voice was angry and you were still scared, so you guess you were crying, but it was hard to tell.

Gently he continued pouring something in your face --fresh water, you realized-- until your eyes burned no longer and your face was much better.

You blinked several times your eyes open and saw a boy with really funny hair stare at you with orange eyes. He blinked at you too.

"Crap. You made me lose my shades." He said, but he didn't sound angry. "Are you okay?"

You nodded dumbly. He sighed.

That was the day you met Dirk.

 

So why is it that you're walking to the Uni's patio thinking about the day when you met Dirk?

For starters, you're terrified.

You know you screwed up big this time. You strayed too far from the shore and now you were rolled over by something bigger than you, and its all your fault.

Second, you really,  _truly_ , and from the bottom of your heart, wish that Dirk were here to help you.

And finally, its because you're as uncomfortable as you were when there was sand against your butt, and your throat is so raspy with things that you wish you knew to say, but instead all you feel is sand wanting to pour out, cause you got nothing.

You're in the middle of the patio. Time to woman up. You turn to Eridork.

"I fucked up." You say simply. He does not look in the  _least bit_ quelled by this  _shocking_ revelation by yours truly. You take a deep breath.

"Listen, Eridan." You use his name in hopes that your melodious voice will soothe him like sirens who drag ships down into their doom. Except this time doom is forgiveness. And instead of singing you're sort of begging. And instead of a siren your more like a dolphin.

Dolphins are awesome.

Goddammit,  _focus_.

"I really apologize for that. I just... I got carried away with the pranks. It was harmless fun at firs--"

" _Harmless_?"he seethes, and you quickly regain the stick of truth of the conversation.

"It was supposed to be harmless. I didn't think you'd feel this bad. It was... anonymously posted. I just wanted you to see it and scare you off a bit. I didn't think it would have  _this_ much effect on you. I was just... messing around."

"Lalonde." He uses your differently than before. This time he means it. He calls you by your last name so impersonally that it feels like he doesn't wanna know you. Frankly, in _his_ shoes, you wouldn't wanna know you either, and that's saying something, cause  _everyone_ should want to know Roxy. "If you think that begging forgiveness at this point is going to save you or that idiot Egbert, you are sorely mistaken."

"I'm not trying to save my ass." You blurt, and realize its true. "I know I fucked up royally and I deserve anything that comes my way. I'm apologizing because what I did was shitty and wrong and you didn't deserve it." Your voice lowers almost to a whisper. "I'm really sorry."

His fury seems ever so slightly quelled. Or well, at least there are no more tears in his eyes, so you suppose that's a step forward. He says nothing. You take this as an opportunity to keep talking.

"I know I'm a troublemaker. If you ask any professor they'll tell you that this has my name all over it. Not John's." You speak quietly, ashamed, and know that even begging for John is more than you deserve. "He's a good guy. I'm just a bad influence. Besides, it was my idea and I did it. Not him."

Eridan is pacing, staring at you like a caged lion.

" _Why_ shouldn't I have him thrown out too? He's as much to blame as you are." His words are pretty much spat at you, and you know he's not looking for an answer, but you've always had a hard time keeping your mouth shut.

"Listen, Er," you appeal, "please, I _know_ I have no right and no face to ask you, but this is gonna look terrible in his transcript. I'll do  _anything_ to keep him from being splashed over with this shit."

Still fuming, he turns to you, a bit of curiosity in his eyes.

"Anything?"

Oh god, please let this not be one of those awful, cheap stories in which he has you pretend to date him for a while in exchange for forgiveness because if that's the case you really prefer being thrown out on your ass.

 "Yes," you say. "Anything."

He thinks for a moment.

And then for another moment.

And he just sits down.

And this is really anti-climactic. Like, this would be the part of the movie you'd choose to go to the bathroom and but popcorn or sneak in a flask of vodka into the movies. That's how anti-climactic this is.

"First of all, you will  _never_ mess with me or my things again." He says, and he's spewing a bit still, but a lot calmer than when you started.

You hold your hand up, palm forward. "Scout's honor."

"Second," he presses, and thinks for a second, "you'll take it down  _immediately_ from the school site."

"Consider it done."

"And finally..."

Oh god. Here it comes.

The classic 'pretend-to-date-me' trope.

Take one for the team, Lalonde.

"I want you and Egbert to be my project partners." 

In your mind there's the sound of screeching tires.

"What?"

He looks away.

"I have a project for my photography class. And then biology and chemistry." He grits his teeth and you know its killing him to admit it. "I don't have work partners. I need some."

You frown. "I can't help you if--"

"I won't have you thrown out, woman." He says, and there's a wee bit less distaste than earlier. His features relax just a smidgen, but he's still frowning. "I never get partners in any of my classes. It used to be Feferi. But she began dating Sollux and sort of dropped me."

You frown and come closer to him, gently sitting down, as not to startle him.

"She dropped you for her boyfriend?"

That's the most so not-Raven thing to ever disgrace these gorgeous ears.

"She was my best friend. I had a thing for her. She didn't like me back. Started dating that guy. Decided she didn't want my attention anymore."

"Well, did you keep giving her unwanted romantic attention?"

He glares at you. You raise your hands in innocence.

"Withdrawn." You say.

You're both quiet for a second.

"So you just want friends." You say slowly.

" _God, no_ , I'm not  _that_  pathetic!" He says, but there's a overly dramatic tone to his words, and you know you hit the mark.

"Okay, then project partners." You say gently. "And maybe you can hang out with us a few times. John's got a friend name Vriska you might like. She's super into pirates too."

"How do you know I like pirates?" He asks accusingly, and you know you kinda screwed up cause you  _might_ have seen this in your computer.

"Marine biology," you splurt. "Sea animals remind me of pirates."

You know he doesn't believe you but he doesn't call you out on it. The tension seems to dissolve after a while, and you stand and offer your hand.

Once you're both standing up, a wave of understanding sort of passes between you, and it feels as if the whole incident was long ago.

"Rox!" You hear the scream and you don't even have to turn to recognize the voice of Nerdy McDorkbert.

He runs and stands in front of you, almost defensively, and stares at Eridan. "I spoke to Scratch and confessed the whole thing. We're not getting kicked out, so  _suck it_." He turns to you and  _god_ you wanna punch him, and its not even cute. "We're on probation, but that's it. We'll be fine as long as we behave." You know he's trying to sound reassuring but you really, truly, want to punch him.

"John," you say, massaging the bridge of your nose. "The problem wasn't that at  _all_. The problem was if Eridan decided to press charges to the  _police_."

You see John's face drain of color. He turns again to Eridan, who looks amused, and you see a smirk.

"Well Egbert's face is worth the entire ordeal, frankly." He says, and you put your hand over John's shoulder. "I won't press charges, nitwad." He says and begins walking away. John relaxes a little, but you call after Eridan.

"How about Saturday?" You call.

He turns. "What?"

You shrug. "You said you had a photography project you needed help with. How about Saturday?"

"Yeah, whatever," he replies, but he's no longer angry.

You let out a long, strong sigh.

Dirk would be proud.

* * *

"So we've gotta help him with his  _projects_?" John askes, almost appalled. You can't help but smile. His dorkiness went back to being your fave thing.

"Yep." You flash the pearly whites that  _always_ make the boy  _swoon_ over you like you're the gentleman chevalier and he's a wooed damsel. 

"And he decided against pressing charges for  _that?"_ he asks. You nod sagely.

"See, my young padawan, it all lies in the art of being a mega-babe." You wink at him. He blushes again. You like it.

"I... didn't expect it."

You shrug. "I think he's just lonely." An idea strikes you. "Hey! Maybe he'll want one of my cats! He could give it a great home!"

John grumbles, still unsure about everything that happened, but you're pretty happy about the turn of events.

Even as he keeps gurgling and grumbling, you slip in and kiss him fully on the lips, like putting a little flag on a mountain. 

A new friend and a new boyfriend.

You should break into people's computers more often.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope no one's dissapointed by the ending. i feel that this is what roxy would do nd the ending she would conduct and idk
> 
> i'm still happy about my star wars books tho
> 
>  
> 
> PS1. Eridan adopts one of Roxy's cats. He calls it Captain Meow  
> PS2. Dirk comes back from visiting Jake (where he'd been all along) awfully confused at what happened in his absence.  
> PS3. When Rox tells Callie about John, Callie squeals and draws them both and sends the drawings to Roxy, who hangs them up in her wall.  
> PS4. Doc Scratch still doesn't care about anything that happened and doesn't bother filing for the kids' probation.  
> PS5. Roxy invites Eridan to a party and gets him shitfaced enough to talk to everyone and break the ice. He ends up with new friends and a killer hangover  
> PS6. John and Roxy have the best smooching sessions ever.

**Author's Note:**

> i might turn it into a multi.
> 
>  
> 
> might might might


End file.
